June 23, 2023

Now for the real news, Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) gets slammed on Twitter for posting about Juneteenth and systemic racism, considering his shotgun shenanigans with a black jogger back in 2013. Old Johnny claims he was merely addressing Braddock’s gun violence issue, but Mr. Firecracker, formerly known as “unarmed black jogger,” surely disagrees. Fetterman tweets about unshakeable truths and black lives mattering, but Twitter users “shake” some sense into him, demanding a public apology to his unarmed friend. Conservative figures join the party, questioning his selective memory on the jogging-with-shotgun incident. Guess “Chasing Fetterman” doesn’t just refer to his political career anymore. That’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news: Hunter Biden’s plea deal on federal tax and gun charges is the latest evidence of a two-tiered justice system, conveniently under Daddy Biden’s watch. But guess what! Representative James Comer’s House investigation into Papa and Junior’s alleged international bribery schemes isn’t backing down. While the Department of “Justice” gives Hunter a slap on the wrist, Comer’s crew continues digging up dirt on the Bidens’ corruption carnival, including 20—yes, 20—shell companies. Can you hear the FBI sweating? But hey, Hunter’s gotta take responsibility for his turmoil-filled, addiction-fueled days, right? Inject some courage into that Oversight Committee, Comer, and keep exposing those so-called leaders. And to the doubting mainstream media—show’s far from over. But that’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news: Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib urges radical environmentalists to be “more aggressive” with fossil fuel protests. Joined by Climate Defiance and Declare Emergency members, she hosts an ill-advised video call pushing for direct action. But wait – aren’t these groups known for destruction? Roger Hallam’s climate crew once cost London millions in damages! And who can forget Tim Martin’s unfortunate Degas painting incident? Along with other Tlaib-endorsed bandits, these climate crusaders have wreaked havoc in multiple cities, putting public safety at risk. While Rashida’s Squad membership amplifies her outrageousness, this fresh call to arms only fuels more chaos and mayhem. Citizens, brace for the coming eco-showdowns, and that’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news: Texas is sweatier than a hot dog in a sauna. ERCOT, the state’s power grid operator, is begging folks to lay off the juice as temps skyrocket, but don’t worry – they pinky promise it’s *not* an emergency. With energy demand beating out Keanu Reeves’ career revival, Texans are giving ERCOT the side-eye after the 2021 Icepocalypse. Meanwhile, Oklahomans are still waiting for their AC fix after a whack-a-mole of storms, and Louisiana’s playing musical chairs with the electric slide. Critics are crying foul, demanding beefed-up grids and heartier infrastructure. It’s almost like extreme weather events are, uh, more extreme? And that’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news: Greta Thunberg, part-time climate crusader, full-time chaos generator, got booted by the fuzz at Malmo’s port while blocking roads with her pals. Thunberg climbed a fuel tanker, scaling new heights in stubbornness. Swedish cops decided they’d had enough of this adolescent human blockade and removed her like an unwanted tick. Though not technically arrested, our tiny rule-breaker may face trespassing charges. Protests dragged on as law enforcement continuously plucked off disruptive youths, hoping the situation would fizzle. Greta’s previous apocalyptic visions haven’t come true, but she’s still swinging for the fences like a climate change warrior. Will justice finally prevail, or will Greta keep dodging the law like emissions? That’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news: University speaker spills the tea on librarians’ wicked ways of hiding LGBTQ books from easily-outraged parents. In a leaked recording, Valerie Byrd Fort reveals sneaky tactics like ditching identity labels and using privacy covers. The goal? To make finding LGBTQ content feel like a treasure hunt. Fort also recommends a secret digital catalog accessible only through a spy-level username-password combo. Nationwide, parents are fighting back against age-inappropriate content by… cutting library funds and giving the side-eye. Library 2.0’s spokesperson, doing their best moonwalk, claims they don’t endorse this undercover librarian agenda. So, trust your friendly local librarian… or do you? Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.