June 21, 2023

Now for the real news: Miami’s Mayor Francis Suarez moonwalks out of addressing border wall issues quicker than Michael Jackson in a moonwalk-off. Suarez, a presidential hopeful, swung by Fox Business and, when confronted about the border, decided to dance around the topic like a mime avoiding invisible walls. Fentanyl and collaboration with law enforcement? Sure, he’ll address those. Border wall? Nope, not today. This evasion tactic has us wondering: is Suarez’s loyalty to our nation’s sovereignty, or to his salsa lessons? I mean, the guy attended protests against Trump’s immigration policies and refused to enforce immigration laws. But hey, maybe that just makes him a fun guy for a Taco Tuesday. And that’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news, some spicy action happened at BLEXIT’s “Live Liberation Show” in NYC when a radical trans activist tried to shush our fabulous conservative friends. But, in true American fashion, patriots belted their favorite tune “USA!” – drowning out the unwanted noise. Bravo, folks! Charlie Kirk’s twitter fingers were on fire, tweeting about the drama and hinting those activists might’ve been miffed their flag wasn’t flying high with Old Glory. Rally organizer Candace Owens kept her cool, proving that conservative America just wants a chit-chat with the rest of the cool cats. So, that’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news, brace for impact: teenagers are becoming sadder than a roomful of puppies watching “Lassie.” A University of Michigan poll shows teens are increasingly convinced they’re useless – just like dad’s pull-out couch during Thanksgiving. Dr. Jean Twenge blames social media and screen addiction for this surge in sadness. It’s like ninth graders are constantly starring in their own little “Black Mirror” episodes. Teens, entranced by Instagram’s siren call, now spend up to nine hours a day nurturing screen friendships, like houseplants nobody cares about. Pass the tissues; girls are suffering most, with likes and followers fueling Twitter caption-worthy comparisons. So, while delaying screen obsessions sounds like a start, we need bolder solutions, like a “Sweet 16-Can-Insta” law. Together, we’ll fight this silent epidemic – like keyboard warriors with a purpose. But for now, that’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news, 40,000 Ioniq 5 owners are losing power like the New York City blackout of 1977. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) is probing 2022 Hyundai Ioniq 5s after 30 terrifying complaints. Lightning McQueen gone rogue? Nah, it’s power surges messing with transistors and turning EVs into oversized paperweights. Hyundai is “shocked” and vowing a software update and control unit replacements to “recharge” drivers’ safety and trust. But let’s not forget, other EV giants like Tesla and Volkswagen have faced similar woes. Seems like the Joe Biden Express to an electric future might need a few pit stops. That’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news: Biden’s economy is such a mess even a Democrat can’t hide it! On Fox, Harris Faulkner schooled former Rep. Patrick Murphy about the reality of the U.S. financial situation. Sorry Murph, the stock market isn’t everything! Meanwhile, Americans are figuring out which child they love least just to afford groceries. Thanks, inflation! The catastrophic combination of Biden’s policies and the Federal Reserve’s interest rate games make for an American Horror Story: Economy Edition. But don’t worry, they’ve got it under control…not! Small businesses crumble, and families choose between mac and cheese or…just mac. So, cheers to Biden’s economy, where every day feels like Black Friday at the supermarket. And that’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news, folks. Sen. Tim Scott, the GOP’s latest superhero, fired back at Obama’s comments about minority Republicans ignoring racism. Scott, being Scott, didn’t just hit back but blasted a homerun. He retorted, ‘the truth of my life disproves lies of the radical left.’ Now that’s a comeback! Scott defended his record, touting his anti-poverty work and education policies, contrasting his practical actions against Obama’s more talk than walk approach. In short, Scott threw down the gauntlet on education, promising to ensure every zip code has quality schooling. That’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.

Now for the real news. Biden’s border policies, resembling Swiss cheese, just sprouted another hole. Drug cartels and smugglers are now playing dress-up, cloning FedEx delivery vans to sneak migrants into the country. Border Patrol officials in El Paso outsmarted them this time, arresting four suspects and rescuing 26 migrants. But remember folks, FedEx isn’t the only uniform in the costume shop. Amazon, UPS, you name it. The southern border sees 2,000 migrants daily, since pandemic restrictions eased. Now, that’s a whole lot of packages. That’s all I’ve got. Get the rest, tap the link in our bio.